I’m under the compulsion to write this over a worrying orientation of many of us women.
I may lose friends or acquitances because of this piece but I hope I don’t.
I may also be chastised by a few close ones for washing my dirty linen in public but I hope they understand that it was needful for the purposes of this piece.
Firstly, the man whose name I write as my maiden name is a man I have always said without fear or regret that his kind is not my role model of a husband for myself and a father I want for my children yet to be born.
Notwithstanding, my own not so good preference of men and bad choices I’ve made or seem to make, I’ve always asked myself, what at all did the woman who birthed me see in him that attracted her and did indeed out of anger asked her sometime past, what she saw in him of all the men she could’ve been with.
I still don’t know the answer till this day.
Yet this very woman whom it seems I grieved and still grieve for more than she, the bereaved when I was growing up as young as I could remember before adolescence sat me down and told me, ”he is not the standard of who men are. All men are not the same.”
She tirelessly and consistently rang this bell in my ear till it sank in my spirit and I always wonder how such a woman is not bitter though she has every reason to be.
Fast forward into my adult life, I have once lost a good man to another woman out of my own misgivings and bad counsel from friends coupled with naivity of a young girl.
And also did I meet an amazing man after my loss who turned out to be a monster in the end.
Since then, I cannot say that I’ve really had pleasant experiences with men nor can I say that I haven’t met good men who unfortunately I cannot have, nor intend to let another woman lose to me even if the man was willing and would let himself, though they obviously wouldn’t.
I have met men who have been in very bad and horrible relationships or marriages yet, these same men are more hopeful and not vindictive or bitter because they believe that there’re good women out there yet that cannot be said of the women folk.
I’ve noticed that many single women including divorced and baby mamas cannot wait to seize the least opportunity to crucify a man.
Any man at all for that matter, with a few married women jumping onto the wagon of crucifixion. And woe unto you if you’re a woman and think or do otherwise, your verdict is instant justice by lynching from your fellow women.
Again the moment some of these single women get hitched by a man or perhaps get married, the narratives change at least for a while until the man forgets himself and slips, then the crucifixion mode is activated.
We don’t seem to realise that, the worst man we’ve ever met would be someone’s best and the best we would meet was someone’s worst.
We have also forgotten that these men we vindictively and bitterly crucify are fathers, husbands, brothers, sons, cousins and nephews of a woman.
Have we also not realised that we are the same women who have raised boys to become men.
Every woman who has a son, teaches him that women are evil spirit possessed because she’s a woman herself and every woman who has a daughter teaches her, that men are the incarnate of lucifer himself because she’s a victim or someone she knows is.
Do we all see the viscious cycle?
While we raise our boys to be fearful men hence maltreat women, we raise our girls to be bitterly vindictive women.
We will never ever break this cycle of irresponsible and wicked mindedness of men if we don’t teach, nurture and orient our boys otherwise, so is it that we will never break the cycle of bitterly vindictive women, if we don’t teach, nurture and orient our girls otherwise.
We women scream our voices hoarse of how wicked, irresponsible and devilish a man is thus men should be treated with the ‘most bitterest’ bile we can produce, yet we same women are demanding from the men to love, care, respect, tolerate, adore, forgive, provide and protect amongst many other demands.
We want angels out of our men yet we create the devil they are and treat them like devils they may or may not have become.
Show me one man on this earth who doesn’t want to be loved, nor wants mercy, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, loyalty, humility, long suffering from a woman?
Men are humans too and have feelings. They hurt, endure, cry, feel pained, disappointed and the likes, like women do.
Like any woman, I want a good man too, one I can hopefully call a good husband to me and a good father to my children, who would be a good role model to my sons to be the kind of men I want for my daughters to have and a good role model to my daughters to use as guide for the kind of man they should desire.
But who should love this kind of man I seek, if not me?
Who should be compassionate, merciful, kind, forgiving, enduring and humble to this kind of man if not me?
Who should not punish this kind of man for another’s deeds, if not me?
Who should be open hearted towards this man and teach him that he can be honoured too, if not me?
Is it that bad?
Maybe it is, maybe it’s not.
Whichever it may or may not be, we women are the ones who have the power to create the kind of men we desire.
As women lets not throw away the baby with the dirty bath water, neither do we peel our skin nor cut out our flesh because of a baby’s excreta.
I’m honestly, in all sincerity not the conventional woman but I still do believe that there’s a man out there for me who would love me just as I am, though many have treated me badly and worthlessly and even in my ”not wife” material nature as it’s pathetically said.
Just like mama taught me, not all men are the same and I surely will give a man the benefit of doubt, who knows, I may just be his ”wife” material.
Like I always say it’s not that bad afterall, you know.
Nye gbe dzeanyi.
Authored by: Mawuse